Since owning the blog (or whatever the appropriate verb is), I’ve taken time to write about nearly everything that has crossed my mind — it seems bacon has it’s own highway in my head — although some ideas can’t form into genuine posts because they are too short or incomplete. I decided this morning to simply list them, that way great realizations aren’t going to waste, and I can’t finally clear them from my too-full and not-very-efficient memory space.

1.  Men: Please don’t wear a tie with a short-sleeved shirt. Seriously.

2.  Chewing gum automatically subtracts 10 points from your IQ.

3.  I haven’t seem a Gilligan’s Island rerun in a long time.

4.  You shouldn’t be my boss if you can’t dial your own phone.

5.  Does anyone truly believe that Sarah Palin can provide great insight into anything?

6.  I don’t understand the fascination with dinosaurs (or NASCAR).

7.  I’ve never seen an single episode of “Grey’s Anatomy”, “CSI”, “NCIS”, or “Lost”. Although I am looking everywhere for CBC’s “The Republic of Doyle”.

8.  Ok, wait, tell me again…you want to put big giant gauge hole in your earlobes — and somehow you think that’s attractive?

9.  Sometimes I secretly wish I had the ability to tan; I call it melanin envy.

10. I can recite dozens of poems and about half of Shakespeare’s Sonnets. Look where it’s gotten me.

11. Yes, my toenails are usually painted green.

12. I’m afraid of large dogs and the idea of swimming with a dolphin.

13. I would like to develop a clear way of handling Jehovah’s Witness, my banker, and a telephone solicitor.

14. What do people fear more — failure or success?

15. Telephoning men who you’ve promised to call back is not all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve decided I won’t promise anymore.

16. When I was a kid, I always thought it would be cool to go to Walden Pond and read Thoreau while drifting in a canoe.

17. I don’t think eating jellied eels from stalls in London is a good idea.

18. I’ve always wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween and the day after.

19. The first time I visited the ocean at Sanibel Island, I sent a message in a bottle.

I had never seen a black woman in person before. Ms. Clifton was warm and wonderful with a precise and a melodic voice, and she read a work-in-progress.  She told us that she couldn’t imagine doing the kind of writing we’d accomplished, a timed exercise of different lengths and purposes. That day I felt smart, worldly, adult, and inspired.

Her collection Good Woman: Poems and a Memoir 1969-1980 is something I’ve given as a gift and treasure in my own collection. Twice nominated for a Pulitzer Prize, Ms. Clifton was recognized often, including winning the National Book award. She died last week, after a long battle with cancer. The world has indeed lost a creative, beautiful presence. May she rest in peace.

It Was a Dream
in which my greater self
rose up before me
accusing me of my life
with her extra finger
whirling in a gyre of rage
at what my days had come to.
what,
i pleaded with her, could i do,
oh what could i have done?
and she twisted her wild hair
and sparked her wild eyes
and screamed as long as
i could hear her
This. This. This.

Climbing
a woman precedes me up the long rope,
her dangling braids the color of rain.
maybe i should have had braids.

maybe i should have kept the body i started,
slim and possible as a boy’s bone.
maybe i should have wanted less.

maybe i should have ignored the bowl in me
burning to be filled.
maybe i should have wanted less.

the woman passes the notch in the rope
marked Sixty. i rise toward it, struggling,
hand over hungry hand.

Wishes for Sons
i wish them cramps.
i wish them a strange town
and the last tampon.
i wish them no 7-11.

i wish them one week early
and wearing a white skirt.
i wish them one week late.

later i wish them hot flashes
and clots like you
wouldn’t believe. let the
flashes come when they
meet someone special.
let the clots come
when they want to.

let them think they have accepted
arrogance in the universe,
then bring them to gynecologists
not unlike themselves.

Living in New York City can’t possibly do anything other than push this idea right along because really, unless your hair is on fire or you have some financial or celebratory notoriety, no one notices anyone here other than for reasons that serve their own purpose. The only time I’m ever actively sought out is by someone panhandling or a man looking to “take me away from all this” via whatever he’s carrying in his pants. The former is preferred, now that I know that talk is free and being taken away is never as hugely fantastic as they indicate. Never. And almost a joke when you think about it.

So begins the process of defying or redefining, or perhaps both. While I’m now at the age where I’ve become nearly unnoticed by men unless they fit the criteria above, I figure the other gender can’t be too far behind and it is almost welcomed at this point.

I used to be afraid of swimming in my pool as a kid and being chased by a great white shark while I splashed around or did laps. Really, my hyperactive-kid imagination actually convinced me that it was possible for a helicopter to fly over the pool overnight (we lived close to the Fargo airport) and ‘drop in’ a great white shark, which would then sit at the pool bottom, hiding and waiting for me to dive in. This thought paralyzed me for months; eventually I would only go swimming if someone else was there too, like one of the kids in the neighborhood. In my head, that meant the shark would get them first. And that was perfectly fine with me.

Of course, my fear of great whites came from the movie “Jaws”. I mean, I wasn’t allowed to see it, but remember being freaked by the movie poster and the cover of the book, with the naked girl cruising along the surface of the water at dusk while a monstrous, mountain-sized fish lurked just below, ready to chomp her in half with its giant, knifelike shark teeth.

Thinking back, I realize that most of the illogical, weird kid-fears I had were spawned from movies I wasn’t allowed to see or books I couldn’t read, but somehow either managed to watch or find out enough about to scare the crap out of myself. Some of those movies I don’t even watch now.

For example, When I was 10 or so, I stayed overnight at my friend Melody’s house. Her mother was way Jesusy and thought somehow it might be appropriate to allow two little girls to watch ”The Exorcist” (edited for TV, but still). This was, I can only assume, the mom’s way of warning us of what might happen should we fail to meet the standards expected of good Christ-loving children (luckily, she never knew about the raunchy scenarios we acted out with our barbies). After the movie, I slept on the floor of my parents’ bedroom for a week and wasn’t allowed to go back to Melody’s house again.

There was also the ongoing fear that our dogs at the farm rabies. Every time the temperature got warm and the dogs began panting, I’d ask my dad to check to see if they were foaming at the mouth. Thanks, Stephen King.

Then after reading The Yellow Wallpaper, I was convinced a woman lived in the wallpaper of my grandparent’s attic bedroom. Maybe I just shouldn’t have learned to read.

I certainly hope other people had the same experience, and perhaps they’ve even grown out of it.

“Sharks are just evil fucking beasts. But they are protected, the Great White Shark, a protected species, because if they all die, there won’t be any huge, murdering beasts in the sea — which I think is a good thing, isn’t it?”  Eddie Izzard, Sexie (2002)

1.  “I wish I’d known, then maybe I would have understood why you did what you did and I wouldn’t have blamed myself all these years.”
2.  “Quit yelling at the cat, it’s not going to do any good.”
3.  “I love you even when I don’t say it.”
4.  “I saw it first.”
5.  “You’re right.”
6.  “You’re wrong.”
7.  “Leave me alone.”
8.  “Love me.”
9.  “Just tell the truth.”
10. “Stop using the drugs – you’re going to kill yourself.”

First of all, I can only presuppose that we all accept that the Escalade is a car designed for image-conscious people who will likely never use it for the storage capacity or off-road capability. And I might add that piling in four kids for a soccer game does not count. Seriously, when’s the last time you saw an Escalade actually carrying, towing, or off roading? Anything on the roof?  I didn’t think so.

Perhaps my issue is with the vehicle and the people who buy it because they have no idea how to drive them and it gives us an idea of how much is not going on it their head. Owning a luxury SUV in this day and age is essentially saying, “I have a ridiculous amount of money, and the environment can go fuck itself. I’ve made a conscious decision to ostentatiously flaunt my wealth while simultaneously dumping on my kid’s future on our planet.”

But wait – it’s in a hybrid! I think that means, “I have even more money that I don’t even know how to spend. I read somewhere that other people care, and since my image is so goddamn important, I’d like to at least pretend that I give a shit. So I’ll continue to buy massive, overpriced behemoths on wheels. I understand that it still doesn’t even get 20 miles to the gallon, it’s still a danger to other drivers, but now I can act like I’m actually a good person.”

I apologize for this out-of-nowhere rant, but I was almost run over by one that ran a red light on 42^nd Street this afternoon.

Hey there. Yeah, I know this is weird, but there are some things you need to know. You’re in the middle of Junior High School. So let’s start there.

That blonde kid with the glasses? Don’t waste your time being friends with him. Eventually, you’re going to get busted for shoplifting and he’s going to blame the whole thing on you (and Dad is going to knock you around pretty badly for it). It should make you feel better to know that if you do go through with it, when you’re grown a lot more, you’ll see him later in life and feel somewhat sorry for him. He may or may not totally have it coming, but that’s not for you to decide.

Speaking of growing… um… the next few years are going to be kind of awkward. The good news is you don’t have to worry about being too short for much longer. In the next 2-3 years, you’ll grow about 10 inches, seriously. It’s hard to believe, but it’s true. So, eat more or you’ll be painfully skinny. Yes, I hate to admit it, but Mom is totally right about this.

Okay, I’ll tell you this but I don’t think it’s going to matter – you’re going to hurt yourself. A lot. And soon. I’d tell you to stay off your bike and out of cars and to protect your heart, but the truth is, knowing us as I now know us, you’d find a way to hurt yourself no matter what.

On that note, you’re going to break your arm soon. Badly. I mean, you’ll snap that thing right in two. I would tell you how it’s going to happen, but it’s much more fun as a surprise. Plus, it makes for a good story later in life. And get some attention from that boy you have a crush on.

You really should wear your glasses more.

High School is going to suck. But I hear it sucks for everyone. My two biggest pieces of advice are: go to class more, and no matter what you do, do not go after the curly-haired boys. Only heartbreak will ensue, and it will take you a long time to recover, trust me on this. There is one curly-haired boy who will make your life great later, but neither of them is him. Stick with guy who’s calling you all the time, he’s perfectly nice and won’t mistreat you. Of course, it’ll ultimately fail, but that’s high school. Also, be less of a jerk when you break up with him.

Despite all the warnings, don’t sweat the drugs. Just go ahead and try them and have fun. You’re going to end up fine. But perhaps you shouldn’t drop acid that summer during college, because that entire time will be pretty blurry for a long time. Nothing bad really came about from it, but it just wasn’t a great idea.

Listen, about Dad, I know you kind of hate him right now, but try to be patient. It’s not going to be easy, and you’ve got another year or two of scattered beatings before he stops. But he will stop. He doesn’t really know how to handle these things, but he will learn, I promise.

Grandma will become a mentor and a confidant. You will have hours-long conversations about Ireland and feel jealous of the time she spent there. Appreciate her, you will miss her when she’s gone.

College is going to be an unholy mess but a huge learning experience. I’d tell you to drink less and go to class more, but I don’t think it’ll do any good. There will be serious boyfriend drama toward the end, but don’t fret too much, you come out of it a better person. Try to be less of a pretentious asshole, and stop making fun of the small-town kids, because you came from one too. After college, you will panic. You won’t have a home or a job but just relax. These things will work themselves out. When you get to New York, I’d advise against taking the sublet on 72^nd Street. That place will turn into a nightmare.

Also… the hardest time of your life will be the summers of 2001 and 2005, when you will feel utterly broken. You will come through it.

Oh, three final things:
1. Your best friends in high school will probably be your friends for a very long time.
2. Don’t give up on the Cubs.
3. And don’t get too excited when you hear about new Star Wars movies.
4. Trust your mom on the sunscreen.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Weighed my actions, or the result of my actions on myself and other people, and because of this, acted in a way contrary to how I ordinarily would.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn’t, but I wasn’t much worse for the wear because of it. I think I’ll give it a shot this year and see what happens. Resolutions aren’t a bad thing; I only wish there wasn’t so much pressure about them at New Year’s.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? After a very fertile 2008, there was only one birth among my family and friends in 2009, and a very special one at that – my Godson, Simon.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no.
5. What places did you travel? I traveled to Spain in August, Eastern seaboard in April, and twice to San Francisco.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? I seem to consistently bite off more than I can chew – I’d like to figure out a schedule that works as far as family, school, work, gym (ha), and a social life (ha 2x); and stop being so hard on myself if I don’t get it right. This is the same answer from last year. I will keep trying. My health is again important to me.
7. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year? My graduation from NYU, and acceptance to Penn State.
8. What was your biggest failure? Still being terribly off balance (figuratively and literally — see below).
9. Did you suffer illness or injury? Struggling with vertigo, for which doctors can’t seem to find a cause.
10. What was the best thing you bought? My Kindle and the trip to Spain.
11. Whose behavior merited celebration? All the people who truly care about planet and who work (often maligned at the same time) to make it a better place to live.
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The simpletons who have nothing better to do than oppose gay marriage.
13. Where did most of your money go? Tuition, again.
14. How did you spend Christmas last year? Writing a paper, and I saw the film Milk.
15. Did you fall in love in 2009? Almost. But he wasn’t consistent enough to make it stick. His loss.
16. What was your favorite TV program? Friday Night Lights. Fringe is nearly there.
17. What did you do for your birthday in 2009? I was in Madrid; it was the best birthday in recent memory.
18. What was the best book you read? “Let the Great World Spin” by Colum McCann. First time ever that the National Book Awards and I agree.
19. What did you want and get? More responsibility at work. A regretful proposition.
20. What did you want and not get? To be completely on the same page with someone.
21. What was your favorite film of this year? Hunger.
22. Did you make some new friends this year? Yes, and reconnected with a few, too.
23. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not worrying about what other people think so much, because it is what it is, regardless of who I am.
24. What kept you sane? My friends Mirushe and Liz, and occasionally my boss.
25. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Paul Krugman continues to intrigue and also Mandy Patinkin when he’s not singing.
26. What political issue stirred you the most? Health care, and it’s still continuing as I write this.
27. Who did you miss? Holly and Grandma all the time. The farm. Sometimes a friend from years ago.
28. What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009? Failing make a decision is a decision, and a statement.

I was a kid when this happened, I remember hearing about it the day afterward, I was wearing a baby blue crew neck sweater and matching sneakers — I had a thing for that color back then.  At the time, I knew the name and the songs, but didn’t realize the gravity of the loss to his family or to the world. It’s difficult to believe that 29 years have gone since then, time flies as they say, but my guess is his widow and sons have felt his absence every day.